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Liya, 18, HOTTEST

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♘ Here we go again

Wednesday, November 13, 2024 @ 11:55 PM

What a difficult 6 weeks of self-numbing and reflecting and doom scrolling and repeating of the cycle. The guilt of feeling calm after that day was an inexplainable feeling. Such a weird weird year it has been.

Well, here we go again in our search for the meaning of life.

Just a mini journal today, as a great friend reminded me that "you won't regret my choice when you start to be happy for choosing yourself first".

Once again, this too shall pass.

♘ 여기 있어?

Thursday, January 6, 2022 @ 3:05 AM

여기 있으면

내가 진짜 괜찮아, 행복하게 살아요

Interesting how when I look back, I can actually find uncanny similarities, yet so jarring differences that made me realise, oh so that's why. Knowing that you deserve all the goodness in the world as much as the setbacks made so much of a difference.

2022 가지아ㅏㅏㅏㅏ

♘ Frustrations part2

Thursday, December 1, 2016 @ 2:27 AM

Sometimes I think the less I write, the more I lose myself.

I feel like I have a thousand things to tell myself, to evaluate, but let's just settle on what just happened.

TLDR: it's just me fucking ranting lols don't even know why i bothered to type so much crap

Long backstory ahead (so that I can place the whys and whats more clearer to myself):

- My mom sis and I are going to Japan during Dec hols, my aunt decides to tag along, so my mom is afraid that me and my sis will be lonely (since we're not talking to each other, still), so she asks us to find a friend each to go with.

- My mom asks us to plan the schedule at around Oct period? But hello I totally didn't have time at that point in time because I literally have millions of things to do in school (close up RAG stuff, cooption, Blast, DDC, TH dance, study lols why the fuck did I even sign up for so many things lols) and honestly I rather plan after finals.

- My sister started getting accommodation and planning the schedule because my mom kept asking, so there was a rough idea out on where to go, what to do and what to buy (like impt train passes etc)

- My friend and I chipped in a few days later by putting the locations into the days, and sharing this document with my sister. AKA we felt the schedule was more or less done?

- My mom wanted the schedule to be more detailed, in terms of including how to go (which train to take), important tickets or sth that needs to be bought beforehand, timing etc. So my sis met up with her friend to continue to planning, but not completed. She also bought the USJ tickets, but without me and my friend's knowledge. (Also I'm not sure whether she referred to our plans we've alrdy made)

- I made a whatsapp chat with the 4 of us along the way because honestly I'm getting rather pissed off for the lack of info being passed properly. So I tried to ask on the whatsapp chat how can I help continue the planning (since they only did halfway right) but my sister didn't even bother to answer me. Her friend answered something but she obviously also don't know much.

- After finals my friend and I met up again to help finish up the scheduling, but I volunteered to do the train to take all those because I could tell that my friend was not really keen on planning into so much details (because young kids like us like to improv and spontaneous lols)

- So I finished up everything and waiting for 1 Dec aka discussion day for our final schedule. While sharing the schedule with my mom, she had damn lot comments that she never made before and I was honestly rather shocked because she told us that she will just follow whatever we plan. So I think I just became hot headed and there was like an 'argument'? I also dunno lols

Fucking long story lols fucking dramatic. On hindsight maybe it wouldn't have been so dramatic if I was on talking terms with my sis, but aiya, fuck it lols.

It was honestly a damn sucky night because I don't even know why I argued for. I felt that I had my views but I couldn't get them across to my mom and then my mom was also just replying continuously without listening to me, omg I don' know. Fucking confused. Fucking crying for dunno what fucking reason.

Why I'm so fucking pissed until I cried:

1) Because I planned based on what my sister and her friend has already done, and my sister always discusses with my mom, so I just assumed that those are the places that my mom will want to go. But after continuing their plan and making rather major shifts to the schedule (because the one my sister made really ah, no sense of effective use of time, from jurong go pasir ris then go back jurong lols no kid) aka spending my only free day after finals to plan this, she tells me that 'oh we could go to this this this place first then go another place'. Dude.

a) there are millions of ways to plan a trip, so I'm not saying that you're is wrong, but you told us to plan

b) Honestly I can be very flexible and change the schedule accordingly, but I don't like that you're only telling me all your suggestions AFTER we've planned so much. Granted that maybe we didn't ask you often. But I fucking dont like it if you didn't plan anything but have so many comments AND still said that you'll follow whatever we plan.

2) I'm fucking irritated that my sis did not tell me and my friend anything about the tickets she buy so we cannot even plan accordingly, like which day did she book our USJ tickets on.

3) I fucking irritated coz if this schedule is not done, I cannot plan my dance open class schedule, and I even found another friend to go dance classes with. I literally just found the friend 5 minutes before I argued with my mom lolz. If there are any changes in schedule I will also have to change the dance date and some instructors only teach on a specific date.

4) We're going overseas together so we should just try to go together. But we all have different expectations of the trip, like some wants to shop more, some wants to sight-see more, so it's fking hard to cater to both, Granted, we can always go on separate ways and meet back at some place later, but leaving my mom and my aunt alone to wander when they can't even speak english, needless to say japanese? Lolz I honestly cannot find the balance especially when I'm stuck in the middle empathising both circumstance and mindset.

5) I just fucking irritated that my friend and I have already planned a good schedule but you said you wanted a super detailed noe, then now you come and tell me we nda be flexible in our plan in case of rain or what. Hello what the fuck.

6) I feel like I cannot communicate well with my mom because she just misinterprets whatever I say.
7) I think I just hate it when anything I do is associated with my sister. Like 'oh now you know how your sister feels'. Oh my fucking god I cannot.

I think I'm just getting rather hot headed recently. I really don't know why. Everytime I try to reason it out with myself it becomes a bunch of mess like the ones i typed above. To be very honest halfway through the rant I lost myself again and I just wonder why. Why am I so hot headed recently? Why am I so insecure and needy, maybe of attention? Why do I want attention? Why do I feel like there's a hole in my heart that cannot be filled no matter what? Why do I keep digging the hole for myself? Why do I keep thinking of the past? Why do I keep imagining the impossible?

It's always the gaps among expectations and assumptions that creates problem, and it's even worse if there's no good communication and understanding. And I'm really tired of solving all these problems.

~2:28am, 1/12/2016~